1. Don't present a rough cut as a "premiere."
2. Especially, don't charge $25 for tickets to the "premiere,"
3. indicate the event is "formal" (I wore a silk suit and heels, for crying out loud),
4. and then have the nerve to ask for feeback from your audience of suckers.
5. Don't serve one-per-customer treats cold to your "platinum" attendees.
6. Don't advertise the start time as 7 when it's really 8:15.
7. Don't ignore the screenwriter you hired to clean up your script and give it some shape and heft.
8. Don't forget to storyboard.
9. Don't scrimp on your director of photography.
10. Don't scrimp on your sound team.
10. Don't scrimp on your sound team.
11. If your movie is going to feature "intertwined stories," intertwine the doggone stories.
12. Don't rely on music to tell your story ("I have something to tell you." [musical interlude while the two characters walk in the park] "That's a lot to take in.")
OR to pass for transition
OR to tell your audience what to feel
OR to pad your movie's length.
13. Rack focus sparingly.
OR to pass for transition
OR to tell your audience what to feel
OR to pad your movie's length.
13. Rack focus sparingly.
14. Spell-check your credits.
15. DO NOT write AND produce AND direct.
When the film was over, I said to my date, "I owe you." She told me I owe her a bad lesbian movie. "You're a cheap date," I replied. "When I dragged [a certain ex] to see Bertolucci's Sheltering Sky, I came out owing her seven movies." And at least Sheltering Sky was beautiful to look at.
Susana Darwin
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